The Lament (Part 1)

I wrote this 2-part blog in July 2014. That was a very emotional year for me… I guess every year is an emotional year for me 🙂

It seems that I am finally getting closer to reaching my destination after all. Soon, InshaAllah (God willing).

I was talking to an old friend yesterday and the discussion moved to our relationship with God. I shared with him that when I get very frustrated and demotivated about something, especially my life, I tend to whine and complain to God. I ask Him why despite all of the sincere effort and the prayers, I am not able to attain some things. I tend to whine like a spoilt kid with Him. These are really personal moments. After all who wants to see a grown man cry like a kid, except maybe my wife perhaps.  My friend responded that he does the same. That was kind of a good moment, as it made me realise that others do it too. I mean, by some ridiculous presumption, I saw myself as perhaps the only whiner to God. Very ridiculous.

This 1-2-1 personal relationship has developed into a stronger one in the last year or so. I was never unattached to God but the bond seems to have become stronger, at least from my side. Out of this something has developed. My desire to be in and around Kaaba seems to have intensified tremendously. I started feeling this pull towards Kaaba a few years ago, but it never became strong enough for me to actually plan for an Umrah (the minor pilgrimage) or a Hajj (the major pilgrimage). My wife and I kind of decided one year that we would try to get either Umrah or Hajj done within one year. I think it was 2011. Then again in 2012. But every time there was one thing or another that sidelined that desire.

But along came 2013 and I had a significant amount of time on my hands. I started making effort to make sense of it all; my surroundings, my life and my obligations. The more I deliberated, the greater was the realisation of my insignificance and the beauty of this world. It was not an easy time; financially, emotionally, vocationally. But I persevered with the effort to connect with Him. I am not sure if I have ever shown such discipline for anything in my entire life.

Something transpired as a result. My desire to be in or around Kaaba became very very strong. The more I prayed and envisioned myself in sujud in front of Kaaba, the more intense this desire became. There was a point in late 2013, when I started asking Him to bring me closer to Kaaba somehow. I didn’t know how, but something had to happen. Lo and behold, this new job opportunity in Riyadh sprung up and within a month, the offer was made to me. We were elated. We realised that it was only 7-8 months before, that the whole family emigrated from Pakistan to Canada, and now this new huge move was on the cards. It would be hard to decide to leave my family in Canada, without any close family support structure, but we figured that God had brought us to it, so He will get us through it also.

The decision to move the whole family from Canada to Saudi Arabia, or just myself, could be made at a later date. Honestly speaking, we were wary of what lay ahead. But we strongly believed that behind that fear, lay possibilities. That was enough for us.

Still, unbeknownst to us, the real trial lay ahead.

To be continued.

 

 

 

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